ix

"Here we go" said Sunita taking a deep breath, "keep your fingers crossed, I have mine!" Rakesh smiled at Sunita 's innocence. He was well aware how tensed she was, but still trying to pose normal for him, to keep him calm and positive.

"I glued mine in the morning itself! They are inseparable now!" Rakesh winked at Sunita with a light chuckle. Sunita smiled, thinking about the turbulence in her head and the butterflies in her stomach.

One second she would imagine herself with a cute baby, the very next second she would see a distressed Rakesh consoling her for their loss, and would immediately brush the second image aside; such was her state of mind. Just like ocean waves crashing and calming down alternatively.

The click made by the key brought Sunita to her present self. She entered the house with mixed feelings, since returning from clinic. Rakesh was on phone with her mother-in-law. "Just hope things go well" muttered Sunita as she sat on the rocking chair thinking about the day's IVF session.

Staring out from the window of her room, she saw two cute little kids playing in the little lawn outside their home.From the translucent white lace of the window curtain, hazy faces filled with bright smiles appeared with pearly teeth shining in the light of sun. There was Rakesh too, looking younger and more handsome than ever playing with the kids. "Sunita...Sunita..." Rakesh was calling her, "hey, its time for the test" Rakesh nudged her by her arm, "common...wake up, its time". Sunita looked at the window, the same curtain was opaque now.

Rakesh looked at his watch impaitently, waiting for Sunita and the result of the test.

VIII

"I'm sorry, I had no idea!" Sunita said nodding disapprovingly. "It's fine dear, neither did I" Rakesh said consoling Sunita. The couple had visited a nearby Doctor's clinic to gather details about IVF, but after the discussion with the doctor, they were both a little disappointed.

According to the doctor, each trial would cost them a huge sum of money. Sunita was worried if they weren't successful the first time, they couldn't afford another trial. She was startled at the pricing of an individual trail, leave aside multiple trails. She was disappointed as the whole case solely dependent on her womb, on which she had obviously no control.

Rakesh tried to instill positivity in her, "Maybe we won't need another trial!" patting her head friendly. But Sunita was worried, "All our money will go waste if the trial is unsuccessful". " So what, I had never thought you would be such a great lifepartner before marrying you, we all have to take risks, haha!". "Huh!! Rakesh" Sunita swirled a pillow at Rakesh and smiled. Rakesh laughed at his success of making Sunita smile.

Sunita smiled seeing Rakesh laugh, after many days had she seen him laugh carefree. She somehow sensed positive vibes from his laugh. She felt maybe things things will turn positive now.

Sunita wasn't sure if she wanted to go for IVF, walking back from the clinic, after she had heard the doctor's conditions. But now, she thought they should give it a try, maybe this was the last struggle, maybe the outcome would be positive enough to make them forget all negativity in the world.

VII

Whenever Sunita saw Rakesh' s desolate face, she felt a little guilty. Also she desperately thought of things and idea that could make him happy. But all these materialistic things were temporary, his smile faded much quickly than it grew on his lips.

Sunita had always loved kids, and had always wanted one of her own. Now she felt it was the most important thing missing in her life. She decided to opt for IVF methods as it was high time Rakesh and she had been trying for a baby.

She knew Rakesh wouldn't agree initially as he had his favorite quote as 'nature has solutions to everything', and never believed in any thing which wasn't as per natures' ways. But nevertheless she decided to pursue the matter. She spoke to Rakesh about the same, Rakesh thoughtfully paused for a moment and then agreed.

There was a sudden spurge in Sunita's feelings, such a mix of surprise, happiness, but little disappointment too. She wasn't sure what she exactly felt, but was startled for sure. Surprised because she hadn't expected Rakesh to agree with her on such a sensitive and important issue so quickly. Happy obviously, but disappointed because she missed Rakesh's true self, who would have fought and argued with his nature's solutions philosophy which would have irritated Sunita so much, but now she missed it.

So Sunita and Rakesh decided to give IVF a try.

VI

A few years passed, Rakesh was back on his feet. Depression ate up most of his past few years as well as his health. Rakesh who had a radiant face now looked dull, with baggy eyes. Age and stress had taken toll on Sunita's health too.

Although Rakesh now had a decent job, Sunita continued her work as she felt at peace with kids at the school. The silence at their home and the society had begun to haunt her. She felt very restless entire day at home alone, with Rakesh at work.

Sunita loved kids, she and Rakesh had again started trying but luck hadn't favoured them yet. There had been increase in visits by moms and every visit had the hidden agenda of a lecture about raising family, as if Sunita and Rakesh didn't already want that or weren't trying enough.

The neighborhood had become even more deserted. Some of the senior members were no more with them. Some new tenants came, but left in few months, blaming the dead air of the society. One strange thing was that none of the new families had kids. There were already no kids in the existing households, and no new owners or tenants brought kids with them. Was it just a coincidence or did she only found it strange because she loved so much, thought Sunita.



Meanwhile the students at school loved her, she felt the teaching job was more than just a job for her. She found it a blessing, and thought she would bring her kids to the same school. A smile lightened her face dreaming of her walking her kids to her school.

Sunita missed Rakesh cheerfulness and his blithesome attitude. Since they had lost their dream home, Rakesh didn't speak much, he kept his thoughts to himself, and when Sunita pressurized him then only he used to share with her. She was worried that his attitude towards life had changed. It had become more negative, he didn't have big dreams like before, small things in life didn't make him happy now like before. She was although, positive that when they have kids, Rakesh will learn to live again.

V

"Mrs Sharma, please, no please, I respect your emotions, but please no I'm done giving you time" Kumar said, "I stuck to my promise, but this is it, please, now I have a buyer, 11 months is long enough time, almost a year I can say.""But Mr. Kumar, you are well aware of our financial situation, please, my husband will be heartbroken" Sunita pleaded, but eventually had to return empty handed.

"Rakesh, its ok, please, we took a wrong decision, its over now, lets move ahead" Sunita tried to console Rakesh, after they lost their dream home, as they weren't able to arrange the money. But Rakesh wasn't overreacting, not having found a job since almost a year, his wife forced to work for running household chores, things were already in such a bad shape, and now the house owner decided to sell their dream house.

After many requests, Rakesh almost got into a fight with him, but Sunita intervened, and they got some part of their advance back. But Rakesh was already too depressed to now digest this defeat too. He felt as if he had failed his wife, his family. What feeling could be worse than that!

Since his company shut down, Rakesh was in desperate search of another job, but any job he was getting was of a smaller profile than his experience or of lesser pay scale than his then current job. He was well aware of their current financial needs, so he refused such offers, but by then his company got shut down, and he was left without one. A few months passed, and he and Sunita decided something was better than nothing, so Rakesh approached the companies, in which he had earlier refused the opportunities. But ofcourse, it was too late by then.

Sunita decided to take up some job, to help meet daily expenses. She knew Rakesh would never agree to it. So she secretly took up teaching in a nearby school. She was surprised that there were no schools in their neighborhood. But she realized there were no kids, so why would someone bother to open a school. She got to thinking where would her kids start their primary education, as she would prefer some school at walking distance from her home.

Sunita was earning sufficient to carry out their monthly expenses, but was feeling a little guilty having to work behind Rakesh's back. The lie didn't last long, one day Rakesh returned home early and Sunita had to confess about her job. They had a very big fight that day, first of the kind in their married life. Sunita knew she had hurt her husband's male ego, but was helpless. Rakesh also realised later that Sunita was only doing her bit to help him, so he let her continue. If she didn't do anything he knew it would pinch her all the time.

Both Sunita and Rakesh worked hard, but they couldn't gather money to pay for their dream house. The owner promised them he would wait for sometime more, but then he found an interested buyer, so he decided to sell it off.

IV

"Where on earth were you Rakesh??!!" Sunita's exclaimed, as she saw her husband at the gate, dragging his feet, "I was so worried, just look at the time!!" Sunita helped rakesh with his bag, as he threw himself on the sofa, "whats wrong, dear?"

"My company is shutting down, I have just 4 months to find a new job" Rakesh blurted out in a single breath. Sunita almost lost hold of the glass of water she had brought from the kitchen for Rakesh, but she gathered herself and said "Oh!! 4 months is ample time dear" Rakesh looked at her in disbelief "I'm sure, you will find a much better job that this one" said Sunita smiling. Rakesh exclaimed "what are you saying? are you understanding what I'm saying?"

Sunita smiled and said reassuringly "Yes, but I don't have any doubt on your capabilities, so why should I be worried about? Infact I think this is an opportunity for you to fare better". "Sunita, what about our home? where will we get money for that?" Sunita said, "I have full faith that my husband will get such a nice job that we will not have to worry about that either"

Rakesh understood Sunita was just just trying to make him feel better. But he decided to affirm her faith, he dedicated himself to finding a suitable job. He talked to the house owner about his situation and that he would need a little more time to pay him the money. The owner was not ready for extending the payment period and warned Rakesh he wouldn't return the advance, but after much persuasion he agreed to give Rakesh a few months time.

Rakesh had lost his appetite working hard towards finding job along with carrying on his current job. Sunita was very worried for him and started blaming herself for making rash decisions of buying the new house. She felt she was largely at fault, by not accepting the current house wholeheartedly and making Rakesh search for a new one, and that too so heavy on their budget. She felt guilty watching Rakesh working so hard without caring for his health. She started making sure he had his meals on time, thinking it as a small contribution from her end.

III

Since she had hinted her mother about planning her future, Sunita now used to get daily dosage  of dos and dont's from her. She sometimes used to snap listening the same stuff again and again, but then a smile used to grow on her face thinking about how wonderful the years to come would be.

Sunita and Rakesh desperately started to look for a nice home, somewhere they could see their children laugh and play and live!

For weeks their luck didn't favour them as budget was still tight, but one Sunday afternoon, Sunita's eyes got set at a little bungalow in a colony nearby the famous temple. Rakesh found the price a bit steep but as Sunita was determined to go for the bungalow he had to cave in.

                         

Sunita and Rakesh felt as if they had found their dream house. They also convinced the owner to agree to let them pay a token money of around forty percent of the price and then later pay the rest as Rakesh would get the advance from his company shortly. Rakesh had been saving since a long time and was happy he was able to use his savings for the best, he was able to make his Sunita happy.

Sunita was on cloud 9, she started packing and planning and dreaming how she would decorate her new home. Rakesh laughed "Sunita dear, the advance is not even sanctioned yet and you have started packing!" Sunita said "I don't want to live a day longer in this society, I am tired of these deserted streets....I just want to run away to my dream home." Rakesh hugged her lovingly and started helping her pack.

II

“Doesn’t the society feels lifeless to you?” Asked a 20 years younger Sunita to Rakesh. “I know dear, very lifeless….. but this is all I could afford….you know…” said Rakesh, looking timidly at his newly wedded wife. “Its ok” said Sunita reassuringly, she didn’t like the society from the very first glimpse, but they didn’t have much options.

Sunita got to work, and decorated their new house like it was some festival around the corner! She thought she would go to meet her neighbours later that evening. Rakesh came home early that evening and brought her fresh flowers. Sunita was delighted, and they spent a lovely evening together at their new home.

Next day after finishing off her chores, Sunita headed to her neighbours Shastris. She rung the doorbell, after a short delay, the gate was opened by a middle aged Mrs. Shastri. Sunita introduced herself and that she had moved in a day before in the neighbourhood. Mrs. Shastri sounded uninterested, and didn’t even invite her inside her home. Sunita felt strange, but tried her luck at her other neighbours’ house. Mrs. Dey Invited her indoors, and offered her a seat. Sunita was a bit relieved, also Mrs. Dey seemed not too elder to her. She had a small chat with Reena, who seemed a kind lady but Sunita felt a strange air of sadness enveloping her. Sunita went back home, and prepared a sumptuous meal her for her husband, had dinner and went to sleep.

A few months passed, Sunita and Rakesh had setup their love nest, with some furniture from their parents’ house and some from their own money. Sunita had not made any friends in the neighbourhood. No lady ever came to peek into her house, only Sunita had made a few trips to Mrs. Dey’s. She wasn’t a chatterbox, but a patient listener, which kept Sunita company.

Sunita and Rakesh decided to plan their family. Their parents had been suggesting them from long, and finally they decided to heed to their advice. Sunita was unwilling to raise her kids in this lifeless society. She wanted to shift somewhere nice and then raise their family. Rakesh assured her, his work was running smooth and they could soon get loan from bank to buy their dream house. Sunita was thrilled by the thought of their dream house.

I

“Ding dong” went the main gate bell. It was a fine gate with a huge structure and solid iron which gave it a rich feel. Black iron not polished long ago gave it a royal look. “Ding dong” again went the bell which shook the silence of the deserted neighborhood.

A lady with a few greys walked up to the door and opened the solid cast for the impatient visitor. She looked down to find the young visitor wearing a smile prettier than her pink frock. “Yes? May I help you?” “Oh yes Ma’am, I have recently shifted in the house next to yours, and was looking for a friend to play with!” chuckled the little miss.

“You won’t find any company here! Or anywhere near!” said the lady clad in a very regular cotton sari, with more wrinkles than her face. Mrs. Sharma shut the door tight and returned back to her room, only to return to the door on the sound of the second bell.

“Namaste, you must be Mrs. Sharma, I’m Kamini, Katyani’s mother. I’m sorry, she is such an active child, must have bothered you.” “Umm, that’s Ok but I have already told her, there is no one in my house to play with her.” said Sunita in a rather strict tone. “Yeah, we would love you to join us for tea sometime! See you around. Bye!” Kamini said rather abruptly astounded by the unfriendly attitude of Sunita, and rushed back home taking Katyani by her arm, “don’t run off to stranger's homes dear, be careful…..”.

Sunita dragged herself back to her room, her mind unable to let go the 8 year old’s smile. Her voice echoed in her ears and a tiny tear fell off her left eye corner. Seated in her arm chair she gazed out through the dark big window. Her mind jumped back 20 years back….